Fat ass.

Well, I lost 8 lbs after only 3 days of fasting! I guess since I'm twice as fat as I used to be the weight comes off faster/easier. But of course that means that it'll eventually be harder to lose weight as easily. 

Although I did snap last night a bit (with help from my boyfriend -_-) he wouldn't stop screaming at me until I ate and then of course I broke under pressure and ate.. I threw most of it up but it doesn't stop the rest of the calories from sticking to my ass. Ugh. 

I really, really blow at sticking to anything. I think it's mostly because I start out at full-steam and burn myself out way too quickly.

 Hopefully today is more successful. I really need to lose 40lbs minimum before the end of July.

Day Three.

Well, today is day three of my fast. Going pretty good so far. Sleep is still pretty impossible but that's what sleeping pills are for, right? I love how light and empty I feel, I missed this feeling. It's also quite amusing how the old lies I used to tell still work, they're so much easier now too. I think it helps that I don't have my overbearing parents standing over my shoulder. My boyfriend doesn't even seem to care, either. Not that I'm all that shocked, he probably wants me to go back to Ana and become who I used to be. I'm hoping to be able to lose 5 lbs by the middle of next week, at least... I really want this. I want to be beautiful at last and become a new 'me,' who doesn't need anyone. I am still entirely too much. Too loud, angry, jealous, needy, stupid. I want to become that beautiful fleeting image of perfection I've been chasing after my whole life.

New Beginning...

Well, here I am yet again. I've recently gained more weight than I ever thought I possibly could. 50lbs. I spent 4 years of my life starving away all of my many imperfections, and it worked. I was finally beginning to feel almost pleased with my body. Then I left for college and I guess I lost my mind. I started eating and eating and I didn't purge and I gained 20lbs in a MONTH! Then to add to my already fleeting mental stability, I dropped out of school after only 2 months and left Colorado to move to Kentucky to be with my long-term, long-distance boyfriend of 5 years. It was good at first, but then the uncontrollable binging escalated even further and before I knew it I had put on 40 more pounds. So, after a year and a half of binging and purging 4-5 times a day and fasting in between, I lost only 20lbs. I'm so sick and tired of everyone constantly reminding me of how I "let myself go," and that I gained SO much weight. So, fine. I'm going to go back to my old ways, and to hell with anyone who claims to "care" or be "worried," or "scared" for my "health." You started this, you all ridiculed me and told me how worthless and fat I am, so alright. I'll starve and push myself to lose all of this horrid weight and I'll be back to who I was.